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PANIC: CNN REPORTS FROM BUNKER, AS AMERICA PREPARES FOR NUCLEAR WAR WITH N. KOREA

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Le Fly reporting to you live from his nuclear bomb shelter. I've been planning for this day all of my life. Ever since I was a baby, I knew the world would be destroyed by thermal nuclear detonations. It will be an ironic end to this perfidious way of living, with bombs raining down upon us by way of technology given to North Korea from our own government.

But enough of that. We do not have time to blame one another for misdeeds. After all, this is the end. The world is ending and you're going to hell.

At the front of this war is the tiny island of Guam. They'll be smoked inside 10 minutes flat. North Korea's MIRV guides missiles will turn that paradise into a literal hell, something you might seen in your favorite teevee show after a dragon attack.

Here's the Congresswoman of Guam, Rep. Bordallo, chimping the fuck out on CNN. She thinks our THAAD interceptors can save her. Silly moron.

CNN is reporting LIVE from a nuclear bomb bunker in Hawaii, enlightening people to some very key pieces of information. For example, in the event of nuclear war, THERE WILL BE SURVIVORS.

'A lot of people on this island think if they're hit with a nuclear warhead that everyone is going to die. And the emergency folks here say THAT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE. There will be lots of survivors.

Watch.

GOOD NEWS FOR HAWAII. CNN is reporting 'there will be LOTS OF SURVIVORS' in the event of nuclear war. Hide in caves. pic.twitter.com/CiJxEtcop6

— The_Real_Fly (@The_Real_Fly)

Full clip.

This all comes in response to the President's very real threat, saying he'd rain 'fire, fury, and quite frankly power' down upon the heads of N. Korea -- if they so bothered to look at us sideways.

N. Korea responded, in kind, suggesting they'd turn Guam into an ashtray.

It was nice knowing all of you. I expect N. Korea's missile guidance systems will veer off a bit, generously depositing nuclear missiles all across the US, include the Northeast corridor where I am presently domiciled. It was an honor and privilege to shit-post for you all of these years.

As for the stock market, I expect it will trade up 0.3% tomorrow on this world ending news.