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Why Every Banker On Wall Street Suddenly Wants To Be Jefferies' Managing Director Sage Kelly

Because, allegedly, according to a divorce complaint filed by his admittedly "cocaine-snorting" estranged wife and mother of two, former UBS healthcare banker poached by Jefferies in 2009, Sage Kelly (henceforth known as the "defendant") is quite an entertaining, all around swell guy who singlehandedly would have boosted Spain's GDP by several basis points.

Here are the details from her recently filed affidavit.

  • During the period of the parties' courtship, defendant snorted lines of cocaine on virtually each occasion in which plaintiff and he socialized with defendant's friends, colleagues, and business associates (including but not limited to, Ben Lorello, John Park, Dung Nguyen, Michael Gerardi, Trip Wolfe, Mark Monroe, and Dan Klock, all of whom also snorted lines of cocaine. Over the years, the group - of which defendant acted as "ringleader" - expanded to include Mark Hosny, Clay Segall, Bjorn Koch, Mark Beer, Max Newland, Ned Grace, Andrew Fisher, Sloane Angell, David Cooney, Michael Jaffe, and Peter Maiden), all of whom also snorted lines of cocaine and many of whom ingested other illegal drugs with defendant. (These individuals are collectively referred to below as "Defendant's Drug Cohorts.")
  • During the period of the parties' courtship, defendant snorted heroin at The Tavern, a club in Southampton, New York, causing defendant to be so disoriented that without shoes, defendant attempted to walk - barefoot - a distance of several miles from The Tavern to the horne in which the parties were then renting a "share house."
  • Commencing in or about 2003, defendant began to purchase cocaine and other illegal drugs from a "high-end" drug dealer, Glen ("Defendant's Drug Dealer").
  • From time to time during the period from in or about 2003 through in or about 2008, defendant purchased ecstasy tablets from Defendant's Drug Dealer.
  • During the period from 2003 through 2008, defendant ingested ecstasy tablets so often and in such large quantities that he developed an inordinate tolerance. On numerous occasions, defendant ingested 2 or 3 ecstasy tablets within a period of several hours.
  • During the period from 2008 through 2014, defendant ingested Molly, a powder form of ecstasy. Defendant routinely stored Molly and cocaine in bags (or, from time to time, in squirt bottles designed and manufactured to contain a nasal spray) in the NYC Apt and in the Sag Harbor Residence.
  • Commencing in 2011, defendant began to use and abuse a hallucinogenic drug, "mushrooms." Often, defendant ingested enormous quantities of "mushrooms" at the NYC Apt or at the Sag Harbor Residence. On one occasion in the summer of 2011, defendant and several of Defendant's Drug Cohorts (including, but not limited to, Mark Hosny) continually ingested "mushrooms" throughout the day at the Sag Harbor Residence, while the Children were present - a day designated and celebrated by defendant as "Mushroom Day."
  • In or about 2007, defendant ingested an extraordinarily dangerous, illegal drug known as "Special-K" at the Sag Harbor Residence, while Cameron was there. Defendant became so discombobulated and depressed - thus, entering and experiencing the phenomenon called a "K-Hole" - that he desperately clung to Cameron for several hours, causing Cameron to have palpable feelings of fear for her father's well-being.
  • Continuously during the period from 2008 through May 2014, defendant abused cocaine, and he routinely purchased cocaine in large quantities from Defendant's Drug Dealer, which defendant often distributed to and shared with a group of individuals - the core of which consisted of Defendant's Drug Cohorts.
  • Upon information and belief, ln May 2014, defendant and several of Defendant's Drug Cohorts engaged in a several-day, illegal "drugfest" in Las Vegas, Nevada in which they ingested various illegal substances, notably cocaine, and engaged in numerous forms of wild behavior, including but not limited to, engagement in sexual relations with prostitutes.
  • During the foregoing period, defendant's abuse of illegal drugs, as well as alcohol, often caused him to "pass out," including, for example, at a group gathering of defendant's associates at Jefferies and Company, Inc., at the Sag Harbor Residence in the summer of 2011 or 2012, to urinate in the parties' bed or on the wall in the parties' bedroom, or to defecate in the parties' bed or on the floor adjacent to the parties' bedroom (on one occasion causing plaintiff and Cameron, who was suffering from the flu but who witnessed a doorman helping to carry defendant into the NYC Apt and depositing him onto the parties' bed, to jointly clean-up defendant's fecal matter) .

And then there's this as summarized by the Post:

Christina, 39, said [Sage Kelly], 42, was trying to woo Aegerion Pharmaceuticals honcho Marc Beer the night she wound up having sex with Beer — and “sexual contact’’ with his prancing, big-breasted girlfriend, according to the papers.

 

The former Ralph Lauren event planner said the sex jaunt occurred in a hotel room at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston in 2012 after a booze- and cocaine-fueled evening.

 

Soon, Sage and I were having sex with each other on one bed, and Marc and his girlfriend were having sex on the other bed,’’ Christina says in her affidavit.

 

“Then, Marc said, ‘Let’s switch,’ ” she claims in the papers. “Marc suggested that his girlfriend and I have sex with each other.

 

“Mindful of [Sage’s] goal of securing business from Marc, I felt responsible not to disappoint Marc. So, his girlfriend and I had sexual contact for a few minutes, while Marc and Sage watched.

 

Then, Marc’s girlfriend joined Sage on our bed, and Sage and she started to have sexual relations.

 

Then, I joined Marc on his bed, and he and I engaged in sexual relations,’’ Christina said in the sworn affidavit.

 

“Following that evening, Marc Beer has been an important client of Sage and, presumably, a substantial reason for Sage’s enormously successful career at his current investment bank, Jefferies and Company Inc.,’’ she said.

 

Christina, a graduate of Manhattan’s tony Horace Mann School, said her husband of 12 years routinely pestered her into engaging in threesomes.

 

She also alleged his sexual conquests outside their marriage included a romp with the wife of co-worker Dung Nguyen in the swimming pool at the Kellys’ family vacation home in Sag Harbor, LI.

There is much more in the full filing below. Of course, since this is a divorce proceeding and Kelly's wife, Christina, will do everything in her power to cast her soon to be ex-husband in the worst possible light, one should certainly take any and all of the allegations above with a baggie of blow. That said, virtually all of Wall Street wishes every single word above is true, because just like that, Sage Kelly, upon information and belief, became the idol of every banker on Wall Street where the pinnacle of self-actualization always concludes with the two substances that are Europe's Pro Forma GDP best friend: hookers and blow.

Full filing below:

Sage Kelly Complaint by zerohedge