Chris Lau
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Tale of the Rite Aid Shareholder (Humor)

What it feels like to hold RAD, FRED:

3 guys are leaving a camping trip and one of them trips on something on the path out. They go back to discover it's a lamp. As they dust it off a genie appears!

"YOU HAVE FREED ME FROM MY LAMP, SO EACH OF YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE WISHES. CHOOSE CAREFULLY" boomed the genie.

For his first wish, the first guy says "I want to be a billionaire." POOF, he's holding a receipt that shows his bank account balance is $1,000,000,003.50. The second guy says "I want to be richer than anyone else," POOF he's holding a docket of papers that show he has investments and holdings all over the world that easily make him the richest person alive. The third guy goes "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF his arm is now rotating inwards towards his body consistently.

"YOU EACH HAVE TWO WISHES LEFT" booms the genie.

The first guy says "I want to be heathy and immune to sickness and disease for the rest of my life." POOF he's feeling better; his cold is gone.

The second guys says "I want my appearance to return to how it was when I was 29, never appear to age from there, and always be healthy and immune forever." POOF, his hairline starts coming back down, he no longer has any pain in his left knee, and he feels overall much improved.

The third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise forever," and POOF both arms are now rotating in towards his body consistently.

"THIS IS YOUR FINAL WISH EACH. THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN CHOOSE" booms the genie.

First guy says "I want a hot woman who loves me to be my wife," POOF there's a total babe on his arm kissing his cheek with a ring on her finger.

Second guy says "I want all women to be attracted to me wherever I go and I also want a hot woman who loves me to be my wife," POOF there's a total babe on his arm showering him with affection and a ring on her finger. The first guy's wife walks over near guy two.

Third guy says "I want my head to nod up and down, uncontrollably, forever." POOF both arms are now consistently rotating inwards as his head bobs up and down in time with the rotation of his arms.

The genie thanks them all for freeing him again and flies off into the sunset. Marveling at their good fortune, the men finish their hike off the trail, get in their respective cars and drive away in different directions.

Twenty years go by and the three friends don't see each other. Finally they plan to have a reunion of sorts at a villa owned by the first guy, in Italy. The others fly out and they finally walk into a grand ballroom in the villa, and all three finally reunite. "How's everyone been?" asks one of the three.

First guy goes "I've been great! I invested my billion dollars and made it back many times over, I'm super rich, my wife is a freak in bed and I've not had so much as the common cold in the last twenty years."

Second guy explains "My life is amazing. I'm still the richest person on the planet, my wife is incredible, I'm revered all over the world for the countless charities I've set up, and you're right" he finishes turning to the first guy, "your wife is a total freak in bed."

It's at this point they turn to the third guy, whose arms are still rotating inwards towards his body, whose head is still bobbing up and down in time with his rotating arms, who looks at them both says:

"Guys, I think I f*cked up."


Related: The WBA - RAD deal.