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According To The TSA, You May Be A Terrorist If...

We were eager to assist the FBI with their recent push to ensure that New Yorkers remain “vigilant” when it comes to identifying and reporting ISIS “recruits and people who may carry out attacks,” but as we noted when the directive was first issued, “it was unclear what a person, pardon, recruit who ‘may carry out attacks in NYC’ looks like.’” Lacking guidance, we speculated that Twitter usage in conjunction with Nutella eating could well be a tell-tale sign, only to learn that the real giveaway is traveling to Turkey from Egypt with an iPod. 

Fortunately, the TSA has issued a set of guidelines that, if interpreted correctly, will assist in the identification of terrorists who may seek to use planes as instruments of jihad. The full list is below, but we would note that you don’t have to be a certified “Behavior Detection Officer” to determine that if an individual “appears to be in disguise,” shenanigans may be afoot. Other signs of intent to commit a terrorist act include: showing up late, yawning, having recently shaved, blinking, “bulging” neck arteries, demonstrating an inability to match carry-on with body type, inability to assimilate to latest fashion trends, chest beating, crying, laughing, talking, and, worst of all, smelling bad. 

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When asked about the effectiveness of the screening guidelines, one former TSA Behavior Detection Officer told The Intercept the following:

"[It's] complete bullshit."